The Imperative of Cultivating Empathy and Compassion

Buddhist roshi Joan Halifax works with people at the last stage of life (in hospice and on death row). She shares what she's learned about compassion in the face of death and dying, and a deep insight into the nature of empathy.



"Why don't we vote on compassion? Why don't we vote for people in our government based on compassion?"

A Study of Bad Flirtation

To be perfectly honest, I'm completely apathetic about dating right now as I'm taking time to figure out my own life. But I've been hitting the bars almost nightly for almost two weeks now in what is assuredly uncharacteristic behavior to play wingwoman for an assorted cast of characters. And of course, precisely because I'm not interested in meeting anyone, I've collected a pretty impressive list of crap from men in the Cambridge/Somerville area. A sampling:

• Me: "What's your dream?" Dude: "Um, I'm shooting blanks."
• Mary: "What do you do for fun?" Dude: "I don't like fun."
• Me: "So what do you do for fun around here?" Dude: "I work at a bank!"
• Dude: "What do you study?" Me: "People." Dude: "For real? Doesn't that get boring?"
• Dude: "I think I've seen you before. Do you have a dog?" Me: "Nope." Dude: "Do you walk dogs?" Me: "Nope." Dude: "Are you sure? I swear to God I've seen a girl look just like you walk a dog around here." Me: "Totally not me." Dude: "No, I think it's you. You're trying to mess with me." Me: "Nope. Promise you I'm not." 

In Which Holly Abuses the Humanities

I made a striking finding today using the Google Ngram viewer.

What to Fear (and What Not to Fear) about Online Dating

My roommate (also a PhD student at Harvard) reads the The Atlantic. Me being the whitetrash wunderkind, I kinda avoid the Atlantic. Today, I was reminded of why when reading the "What's Your Problem?" section (the magazine's backmatter), some New Yorker writes in complaining that his kids want to adorn his Land Rover (or Volvo!) with stickers from their yearly vacation destination, Martha's Vineyard. He feels this is "bragging." The fact that a reader of The Atlantic would write in with such a ridiculous question speaks volumes to me about its readership base and I'm really going on a rampage here, aren't I? I need to stop.

It's not all trash, of course. But there's enough trash in The Atlantic that  makes me not want to bother sifting through it on a monthly basis. But this month's issue had a kinda thought-provoking piece on online dating data, the kind being collected by OkCupid as we speak. More and more people are pouring out things into an online dating website than they'd ever be comfortable sharing in public (or private). OkCupid, for example, has a sign-up quiz which is used to match you with other users on the site on the basis of your dating profile. The quiz asks you pretty intimate stuff that other dating websites sort of ignore, such as how many partners have you had relations with, do you have a STI, are you into kinky shit, etc. In addition to volunteered information collected by quizzes, the site is constantly collecting more "passive" usage statistics such as search queries, how long you visit profiles, what pictures you're looking at, who you're messaging (and who you're not messaging), and how you respond to instant messages.

As a social scientist, I can tell you that people are freely giving up what we researchers pay literally millions of dollars a year to collect. As someone who is primed as an academic to think constantly about protecting the rights and privacy of the people I study and who is in many ways constrained by the weight of just how far we must go to protect confidentiality, it's always amazing to me that sites like Google, Facebook and OkCupid just have this incredibly intimate data basically just compiling itself. People sign away a lot  for the privilege of using these sites and it's actually at the benevolence of the site founders that their privacy isn't even more encroached, honestly, since we know most people have no idea how their data is used or what, exactly, they're signing away when they sign up for a site or click through a waiver. But still, from where I sit professionally, this is amazing stuff that we social scientists are only just starting to wrap our heads around. Most of us aren't trained to understand it as data yet and right now that's basically the only thing holding us back from moving further into telling you, for example, how your search queries predict on average how many more years you'd have of dating before you marry your first spouse, when compared to other users who match your dating profile. How terrifying is that? Marketers and academics do this kind of shit with the expensive and limited data we have at our disposal now. Imagine if we had  more of it.

Personally, I'm fascinated with OkTrends which is at least some attempt to make use of the ridiculous amount of data the site is collecting and convey it back to users in a way that is both approachable and informative. In fact, quite recently, OkCupid's team of datacrunchers came out with a pretty neat finding showing that gay men, for example, virtually never try to search for or contact straight users and are no more sexually promiscuous than are straight users. These kind of findings are not only interesting, but they are changing how we understand social behavior (while also debunking stupid myths that have never had data behind them one way or another).

The piece in the Atlantic brought up one way for understanding how this exponentially increasing store of data can have negative consequences. Algorithms are used by OkCupid to better set you up with a potential match. Most dating sites do this on a pretty superficial level. If you're devoutly Christian, most are going to veer you away from singles who list Atheism as their religious view. OkCupid is a little more advanced in that it's using far, far more data to construct its algorithms than Match.com. It's not perfect, not by a long shot, but it is moving in a direction where it knows better than you do what you want to find in a date. It knows how others whose site activity looks like yours are doing in their dating trajectory and it's going to start using algorithms to shape your site usage to ensure you a slightly better batting average.

What does that really mean, exactly? OkCupid site founder, Sam Yagan, notes that the sites' main goal is largely just to get people get a conversation going with other users. It wants you to message and connect with another user. Whether or not you have a successful date out in the real world is not really something it considers because the site itself can't control real world interactions (yet). But it can try to tailor the site to ensure that more of its users are connecting with other users who will be receptive. One of the problems OkCupid's data team has found is that black women, for instance, have a really hard time getting men of all races to reply to their messages.

Now comes the interesting stuff: the moral questioning. Does Yagan start using algorithms to limit the users black women can see to mostly only those men--based on statistical evidence--who are most likely to respond to messages from black women to better ensure a successful match? If he did, to what extent would users even be aware that it was even going on?

It gets more complex when you start thinking about other variables of interest and what responsibilities a dating site has to its user base. Online dating is getting more and more sophisticated and the questions sites ask are getting more probing. You are torn, as a user, from revealing the data because the reason you're on this site in the first place is to find a match; if you withhold data, are you hurting your chances of being matched with someone perfect for you?

Even though most of the site's quizzes are useless distractions telling you which Harry Potter character you're most like, some of them are actually not too dissimilar from instruments we use as social scientists to screen people for things as important as depression, suicide, and domestic abuse. From the site founder's perspective, if you have questions being answered on your site that can serve as predictors of mental instability and social dysfunction, do you have a moral obligation as a dating site to weed those users out of the dating pool? What about infidelity? Do you steer cheaters towards other cheaters? Or what about health predictors such as eating and exercise habits? Do you factor in predictors for impotence, obesity, diabetes, cancer or heart disease into your matching calculus? What about social class? Do you match the rich with the rich? Poor with the poor? Again, what are your obligations once you have that data? Do you do anything? What can you do? What's to stop you from doing anything?

I think these questions are important to ask because we know more and more people in America are turning to the internet for dating. Because online dating presents far more data than you could ever process on your own and because more and more people are signing on, algorithms are increasingly necessary to help you find a compatible partner. It's difficult to think websites such as Facebook and OkCupid might have this much influence in shaping social networks, but the reality is they already do. So long as we enjoy this data for our personal consumptive needs, it's still important for us  to start thinking critically about what implications this could have on the shape of contemporary society.

Every Online Dating Profile Ever

Sometimes the Reddit comments sections are just some of the best things on the internet. Here, SlvrEagle23, describes just about every online dating profile ever:

About Me:

I don't even know what to write here! I'm not normally the type to get on these dating sites, but I figured I'd try it out, so here goes.

I'm a really complex person, who tries to always be "real" and true to myself. I like all kinds of music, and I enjoy having lots of friends and doing things with them. I try to be happy most of the time and avoid things that don't make me happy. There's so much more to know about me that I could never fit it in here!

Anyway, I'm always looking forward to the future and finding the good and fun parts of it. I'm extremely confident but I know my shortcomings.

If you want to know anything else, just ask!

About You:

I guess I'm pretty flexible really! You could be any kind of person, as long as you have a great personality!

You should be confident in yourself, though. Also, not too stocky or short, but not too tall either. You shouldn't be too tan, but definitely don't be pasty. I'd really like it if you were attractive, too.

Even better, LeakyWeeks adds:

I've magically reworded this to be just the exact opposite and ended up with a kind of realistic description of a person:

I know exactly what to write here. I am totally the type who would try out online dating. I'm not a very complex person and I am always surreal about myself. I don't like all kinds of music and I don't have tons of friends I like to do stuff with. I don't have to try to be happy most of the time and I also won't avoid things that make me unhappy. There's not too much else to say about me that I haven't already said. I live in the moment and never look toward the future and I never have to try and find the good things in life. I'm not the world's most confident man and I have no shortcomings that I know of. There's nothing else that you want to know because I already told you everything, but ask if there is.

Oh, internet. I loves you.

Holly’s Dating Tips for Guys Part 10: Social Invisibility and all of its Manifestations

One of the biggest complaints in modern times is “I don’t know where to meet people.” I’m guilty of this one myself, ever since I wandered under the Misty Mountains one day and now only venture out into the daylight in pursuit of that hairy little bastard who stole my ring. But this is something I’ve been looking forward to dissecting because my thoughts on this problem are more sociological than anything else I’ve thrown at you before. And as such, here’s the best part of today’s blog entry: it’s not (entirely) your fault if you’re finding it impossible to meet anyone (be they friends or lovers). But here’s the worst part: there’s probably not much you can do about the situation you’re not already doing.

Way back in college when I was but a wee baby, I wrote a paper on the decline of public space and the social criticism implied by New Urbanism. I remember it fondly since unlike a paper, it was actually an entry for my political sociology class blog. Now, I’m fortunate to have gone to one of those tiny colleges where class discussion was a spectator sport and I was anticipating some pretty informed commentary on the subject. Unfortunately for all of us, most of the comments were of the hopeless variety: “Damn, this is really depressing. What should we do about it?”

So why do I think this is important to make significant to my audience of twenty-somethings? Let’s start off with a fact: public space is increasingly and counter-intuitively privately owned. Let me explain. Recall all the places you go during the course of the week when you’re not at home or at work. How many of those places are spaces not specifically designed for consumption? Your life since college, I’ll wager, has become defined by your consumptive power. The result of which has led urban planners everywhere to rightfully complain constantly that we as a consuming public really suck at creating public spaces which would foster both civic and social engagement.

Sociologically, what I imagine this has done over time is erode opportunities where we can be seen by others as a public person. What does this mean? Well, when you walk into a store or a coffee shop, you are not seeing other people because what you are seeing are other consumers. People could have thousands of different motivations being where they are at any given time. Consumers, however, are defined as such because their presence in that space is motivated solely by consumption. So naturally, you presume that they did not walk into this joint to be bothered by other consumers. Consumption is an interaction between the consumer and the retailer. The retailer rarely invests in overhead to provide a place for social interaction unrelated to consumption of their product.

So what has resulted from this increased privatization of space is what I’d call a norm of social invisibility—where we literally try to pretend that we can’t see or be seen in public. And woe to he who tries to break this norm because we are all guilty of enforcing this one. Who can’t recall a time when you felt unduly burdened by a stranger trying to engage you in a conversation when all you wanted to do was get a cup of coffee? Yeah, it’s that pervasive. We all suck.

You’re probably asking why life isn’t more like college, where making friends was comparatively easier. The answer is because colleges are what we sociologists refer to as total institutions, where all aspects of your life are catered to by the institution itself—eating, sleeping, socializing and whatever meaningful purpose has brought you all to union (presumably education). And because everyone assumes individuals are attending your college to meet these varied needs, it’s far easier to approach strangers knowing 1) your interests and motivations are likely similar and 2) it’s encouraged and expected by the institution. From an organizational standpoint, the college's motivation is just to persist and, for a few, get ahead in the almighty Newsweek rankings. Many colleges "bank" on you forming an emotional attachment to your alma mater based largely on the relationships you formed in college and reflecting on these friendships, you will continue to support the institution for the rest of your life. However, now, most of our life outside of college is being spent in spaces supplied by corporate entities and geared primarily towards a specific, antisocial purpose: profit. This is what makes “real life” so much harder than college.

Now, I usually try to keep this blog clear of the kind of paranoid/conspiratorial ranting I inflict only upon loved ones, but this one’s important. There’s seemingly no escape from this kind of mindfuck since what we have here is basically an equal-opportunity buzzkill on everyone’s lives. And we as a consuming society have allowed this mentality to invade every speck of social life we have created for ourselves—you don’t bother other people at a beach because they are trying to consume the ocean. You don’t bother people at the park because they are trying to consume the green space. You don’t bother people on the subway because they are trying to consume their transportation. Yep, there is actually very little time in your life anymore where you can talk to a stranger without feeling like you are encroaching upon their consumption. And personal technology in the form of iPods and netbooks is making it easier and easier to make sure we never have to so much look at a stranger when we’re out in public ever again. From where I sit, this is one of the greatest tragedies of modernity and the stuff of futurist dystopian novels. Catch me with a good beer some time and I could go on and on about this until I pass out from lack of oxygen, but the bottom line here is that it’s also killing your mojo.








Right now, there’s an AT&T commercial airing on TV constantly. You’ve probably seen it. A man is standing across the tracks staring at a woman seated inside a train. In a moment, his whole future with this woman flashes before his eyes from backwards to forwards, from his son’s inauguration as President to his wedding to his first date sharing a bucket of popcorn at the movies. Quickly, he pounces on his smartphone to change his tickets and races to board her train, slumping into the seat across from her. And she smiles knowingly from across the aisle.

Yeah.

Ok.

Whenever my brother and I see this, we call it that “creeper commercial,” because we imagine how in real life, this would play out entirely differently if a guy tried to pull this kind of stunt. First, the woman would not be smiling knowingly because she’d be wide-eyed and scared as shit the second she starts seeing this guy sprint towards her train. Secondly, she wouldn’t be there anymore because she’d have gathered all her things and checked into the next car before he got there. Poor schmuck.

I know, what gives? And you’re probably thinking, “God, I wish women weren’t so prude! She should have given him a chance!” Yeah, ok, except we all need to realize that the social acceptance of engaging strangers in even casual conversation is struggling to survive. It’s so rare anymore that it’s unnatural and off-putting. This is why we wear earbuds on the sidewalk. This is why we young ones are rushing to the self-check-out lines at the grocery stores to avoid making small talk with cashiers or—God forbid—the person behind us. This is why all mothers view any man over the age of 16 who approaches her young children as a potential pedophile. And ultimately, this is why normal women spurn most of the advances of even the most well-meaning men. Social relations of all kinds are strained and we are failing as a social species. Dating and courtship, I’m afraid, are just victims of a much greater social disaster.

But it gets a little complicated when we talk about how you can approach women, because I know some guy out there is going to say, “Hey, that’s not true—I approached a woman once in public and she shot me down.” Let me stress there are two kinds of women and based on the odds I’m going to guess you’re in the camp of guys who continually approach the first kind. On one hand, there are the really, really beautiful women making up approximately 10% of the female population who can anticipate being approached by men multiple times a day and then there are the 90% who can anticipate being approached by men in a serious, non-alcohol-related manner maybe once or twice a calendar season. (Seriously. Ask your friends.)

Indulge me while I refuse to empathize with the hopelessly beautiful and explain what happens when a “normal” girl is approached: she just can’t take it seriously. She watches equally “normal” men trashtalk virtually perfect women such as Megan Fox for having thumb-toes and hit on her super-attractive peers like gnats on a bug-zapper while she’s lucky enough to swat away the random barfly. From this, she has internalized an idea at this point that she’s not terribly attractive and is crazily suspicious of the motives of any guy who would approach her on the basis of her looks alone (because, like I said, she doesn’t think she’s terribly attractive). And though a lot of men interpret her icy demeanor as arrogance or disgust, the emotional undercurrent in this situation is insecurity. Given the infrequency that even objectively very pretty girls are ever approached in public by anyone and the ulterior motives of men who do far too much approaching in public, she’s got her walls up 24/7 and they’re getting thicker and thicker every year. And so it goes, the line that has been dividing us since grade school lives on to see another day.

So back to this AT&T commercial. It’s a cute commercial, don’t get me wrong. It’s what little girls grow up hoping for, but those hopes are dashed by the time they’re my age and stand on subway platforms and in coffee shops day after day watching all the sane-looking men stare down at their iPhones. Today, it’s virtually impossible to make friends outside of our institutional playpens let alone meet Prince Charming. And I’d argue we’ve all now developed a mentality that everyone we meet would rather not be disturbed in their bubbles of social invisibility, guarded heavily by our electronic fences in the forms of Kindles and Blackberries.

What’s the solution? Honestly, I’m not terribly optimistic that this is going to change. We’ve developed a mass-consumer mentality and are now increasingly seeing each other as consumable objects—numbers on a Facebook page, followers on twitter, and too often, “single serving friends” who can be unloaded when the mutual demands of friendship become too inconvenient. You can count me among those ironic individuals now preaching on a virtual corner that my generation is losing its ability to make relationships work, despite the thousands of ways the internet is supposedly keeping our social networks tighter than ever.

If my problem is with modernity, then my solution is obviously archaic. It’s probably going to take something as stupid as a cheap metal pin you can stick on your shirt that says: “Hey, I’m Friendly! Talk to me!” Seriously. Of course, this wouldn’t work without a crazy ironic internet meme campaign to make people understand what it is. But you understand my point, right? That you literally need an invitation to feel comfortable approaching a stranger for friendly social exchange, even if all you want to do is pay them a compliment?

My best advice for this is to ignore this feeling. Yes, prepare yourself for a lot of rejection but rest assured that it's typically not personal. If you approach a girl at a coffee shop and ask her how she's enjoying that book she's reading, she may dump a one-word response on you--or maybe she won't. I don't recommend complimenting her appearance in any way, but neutral hooks are perfectly acceptable. If you're sitting next to each other on the subway you could probably break the ice pretty well by saying, "Isn't it weird how no one ever, ever talks to each other on the subway?" Again, she might be super uncomfortable in you breaking her bubble, or she may be game for what at worst could be a ten minute conversation about diverted gazes. All that you have to keep in mind is what I've stated before: this norm of social invisibility is a societal problem and as such, you can't blame yourself when others (even females) abide by it. Nevertheless, the potential payoff makes it always worth breaking.

Holly’s Dating Tips for Guys Part 9: Four Girls You're Going to Meet at Your Next Party

Hey there, fellas. You ever been to a party? Yeah? Well, I've been to enough to know I meet the same people over and over again. Oh, yeah, they have different names and jobs and sometimes even different clothes, but being the horribly cynical sociologist that I am, all social activities are opportunities to categorize people and put them into boxes according to their social behavior. Seriously, it's more annoying for me than for anyone else so spare me the lectures about snowflakes.

Anyway, here I present to you four girls you're almost guaranteed to meet at your next party. There are other types I'm missing, but here are the four who are basically fixtures at any given social engagement.

The Mathematician

See that girl over there? The hot one in the pink halter-top? She’s on her fourth drink, right? Oh, you’ve been keeping count, don’t pretend you haven’t been. Yeah, you guys were talking for a while, right? About what you guys learned in intro philosophy at your respective colleges. Kierkegaard, man, yeah, deep shit. Man, she’s, like, deep. And smart, right? Dude, that chick, she’s frikkin’ awesome! Where is she? Oh, she left to go talk to her friend. But she said she’d be back. Yeah, you know what? Maybe.

Right now, she’s over there with that friend doing a kind of mental calculus you’ll just never understand, but rest assured you’re being sized up against every other man in this room. Oh, you thought you were special? Well, for one thing, the only reason she came to this party was because she heard he guy she’s had a thing for the last nine months was going to be at this thing and turns out he’s a no-show. Two points for you. And you don’t smell like Axe. One point you! But that guy over there, the one with a brick for a chin? Yeah, he’s been eyeing her up the whole night, too, and guess what? He doesn’t have a roommate. Four points for him. Oh, and he’s got one of those six-figure jobs that’ll eventually teach him to loathe himself and whatever offspring he creates but right now, he doesn’t worry about paying back his student loans and he’s thinking of using some of his saved-up sick-time to go windsurfing next week. Ten points him.
And oh, shit, he’s made eye contact with her and he didn’t even try to make it seem like an accident and look immediately down at his feet! Fifteen points him! Shit, bro, right now he’s going to stuff all that self-hatred into that bottle of Sam Adams he’s got there and he’s going to nail that chick in pink halter-top, bro. Oh shit, bro, your girl and her girl are walking ever-so-casually to the stack of Maxims that just so happens to be piled by brickchin over there. And as she bends over to pick one up and giggle at a random page, he picks up his cue…and forget it. You’re done, bro.

Taken, but…

You know that girl at the office who giggles at everything you say and finds eight reasons a day to touch your arm? Oh man, she’s totally into you. Everyone knows it. Nothing’s happened, though, because she’s got a boyfriend. But she’s here, dude! And she’s got her head weighing heavy on your shoulder tonight after that second rum and coke. She’s got her hand on your chest and her boyfriend’s nowhere in sight. Maybe tonight you should tell her how you feel, huh?

Yeah, maybe, except when you ask any female in the office and you find out she’s like that to every guy in the office. Ok, maybe not every guy—she’s got standards, you know. She’s got her eyes on the ones who would be next in case her current boyfriend fails. She’s making sure you’re safe—you’re gonna take her out for coffee when her mascara works its way down her face onto your desk to talk about what a big, fat jerk he was, aren’t you? You’re gonna be there to pick up the pieces, aren’t you? Good ol’ dependable you! You’re such a nice guy, man. And funny, too! So sweet. I wish my boyfriend was as sweet as you.

Yeah, let’s face it, she’s a serial monogamist and this is the essential prepwork that goes into never being single for less than a menstrual cycle. Oh, you didn’t realize that, huh? You think serial monogamists are just really lucky? That they just stumble in and out of relationships with about a week’s worth of breathing room in between? No, the second the commitment starts is the second she starts planning the next one—just in case.

The Limelight

Dude, check her out. You see her? The one playing Beirut? Yeah, she’s single. You wanna know why I know she’s single? A law previously stated, guys don’t typically let a girl into the male circle-jerk activity unless one of them wants to bang her. This means some other guy has already put in the legwork—he’s talked to this girl, deduced her dating status, and wants to bang her. But secondly, and most importantly, her willingness to participate in games where she might be in the center of attention, where guys will have to look at her is usually a sign she’s willing to at least talk to you. Oh, you don’t think that makes any sense, do you? You’re full of shit, Holly. Why would that mean that?

Because, silly, girls who put themselves out there know what they’re doing. Limelights are in more control than you’d think and her strategy tonight is to have a good time. If that includes meeting a guy who wants to ask her out for dinner some night this week, then awesome, but she’s not banking on it. She knows she’s going to get hit on by creeps, she’s not stupid, but maybe one of these guys are going to ask her something disarming, for once. Maybe. But too many nice guys pass over the limelight at a party thinking she’s that awful “s” word and don’t realize she’s trying to be one of the guys, because she’s not about to slink quietly off into a corner tonight. I’ll be damned if she’s not the only girl at this party who is going to smile broadly at every guy who approaches her, even if she walked in knowing full well she’s going home alone tonight. She’s not easy—but she’s probably easy to talk to, at least tonight.

Girl-Next-Apartment

That one? Her? You mean the one who was talking to the host just a minute ago and is standing next to the kitchen counter with her cup held strategically up in front of her face? Oh yeah, she’s the girl next door. Having nothing else to do tonight, she figured she’d hit up her neighbor’s party, what the hell, right? And man did it take a lot for her to come, because she doesn’t know anyone here besides her neighbors. Despite what everyone and their mom believes, it’s once in a blue moon you meet someone in their mid-twenties anymore capable of introducing themselves at a party without immediately following it with a drunk come-on. Yeah, she’s scared. Right now, she’s thinking of finishing this drink and going home to find something on her instant Netflix queue. She’s been here for twenty minutes and hasn’t met a soul. This was a mistake.

Yeah, you know why she’s the best girl to talk to at this party? There are several reasons. First, she doesn’t know anyone else here, which means she’s from a social circle outside your own making her a valuable node for learning new things, networking and meeting new people. Second, the very fact she’s here is that she’s hoping to socialize at least a little bit tonight and probably hoping to meet new people. Third, if you strike out, no one will know, since no one else at this party bothered talking to this girl besides you. Fourth, there’s very little chance she’s going to get to play mathematician tonight, since, well, no one else is talking to her. Lastly, it’s just polite so long as you don’t hit on her in an offensive, horrible, obvious way. “Hi there! You’re a new face. You friends with[one of the roommates]?”