Holly's Dating Tips for Guys Part 2: Tips for Partying in the Presence of a Male Concentrating Activity

Today's lesson is about not what goes on during a date, but what happens when you attend a party. Though I fondly recall parties which centered around college-aged men warming a keg with their awkward warmth, "grownup" parties are a new phenomenon for me. They aren't much different than the ones in undergrad, but the key differences are three. First, grownups live in apartments. Two, grownups tend not to get blackout drunk. And lastly, because this is likely the only party you will hear of happening tonight, there's no leaving a boring one lest you take your chances on going to a bar so crowded you'd be lucky to even wave at the bartender from the door.

One phenomenon I hinted at above is the male proverbial circle jerk. Parties with bad music and too much lighting are particularly prone to this. (Potential hosts: rap doesn't have nearly high enough BPM to be dance music, so why do you always insist on making it the entirety of your playlist?) Anyway, at most every party I think I've ever been to, rather than try to meet people they may not know, a group of men will devise some distracting game or ploy and spend the remainder of the party talking to the same four men the rest of the night. Now, thankfully, some intrepid pioneers of partying have already created most of these distractions and these men need not tax their brains developing new ones. I'm sure you've seen them, beirut, flipcup, quarters, whatever. And like moths to a flame, this activity draws the focus of at least 70% of the men at a party at some point in the night. Not quite the same appeal for most women, who largely feel uncomfortable standing in the midst of the heavy male presence. And rarely are women invited to play, lest one of the men in the circle jerk wants to bang her.

This isn't so terribly problematic, unless you're a guy whose goal at this party is to meet a nice girl. What the male circle jerk produces is a gender line you probably haven't seen since intermediate school. The girls end up circling each other creating small, seemingly impenetrable groups which I can imagine seem especially intimidating. So you're asking, how do I talk to the cute one?

Well, first, given the dynamics of the party, don't assume you'll get to talk to her alone. That's always the first mistake guys make. They wait and wait and wait. Really, no one likes to be alone at a party and girls in particular, if cut off from their support group, are vulnerable to every creeper in the room. It's a learned behavior, honestly. Once a creeper descends, it's difficult to extract yourself from the situation. Now, if you're an incredibly confident guy, you could rescue a girl who looks incredibly uncomfortable in the presence of a creeper with a line like, "Hey, sorry, so what were we talking about?" Creeper will get intimidated by your confidence and leave. And you can say, "Sorry, you looked really uncomfortable--and that guy's a creeper." AND YOU'RE IN.

Ok, but truth is very few guys have that kind of chutzpah. So I'll continue where I was going with this. Because of the gender dynamics at this party are altered due to the presence of a circle jerk, there is actually less gender-mingling than people thinks goes on. This means the chances of her group being broken up by, say, dancing or mingling are incredibly low. Don't fret! Game's not over. Talking to a group of girls can be fun, especially if your only other alternatives are watching guys throw ping pong balls into plastic cups for two hours or talking to four guys you already know about, well, the shit you already know.

What do I say, Holly, to this group of girls?

• Say hi and introduce yourself. "Hi, my name's ______. You guys look like you're having a good time. What are you laughing about?" Sometimes this might fail, sometimes it might not. Most girls who are worth your salt will be able to respond to this. Unless they're being catty and talking about someone snidely behind their backs, most will let you in on the story and introduce themselves, even if only to be polite.
  

• Once you're in, don't try to derail their conversation train, but don't be hesitant to ask questions. If they mention school, ask what school they go to. If you also go to school, mention you go to school. Chances are, if they're all together at a party and are already friends, they have some kind of institutional connection. You should try to figure out what that is.

• Don't say something about their appearance or collective appearance. That's what creepers do.
  

• Give each girl in the group equal attention or focus on addressing the entire group. Focusing only on one girl will create a number of enemies who will, as soon as your back is turned, bemoan your lack of manners and civility by essentially ignoring every other girl your target is with. I mean, it really is bad manners since you're interrupting their conversation and she's clearly in their company. I see this happen way too often and not only is it rude, it's just stupid.

• Some good questions to ask girls at parties? Sure. "So what do you girls do for fun around here? I just moved to Boston x months ago, and I'm curious." "So the Oscars are tomorrow, do you guys have a favorite this year?"
  

• Some conversation killing questions? Sure. "What do you do?" "Do you like school?" "Where are you from." The point is to AVOID any question that can be answered with one word. Huge, huge mistake and can kill a conversation dead. Ask only open-ended questions. And don't be afraid if your question gets them talking amongst themselves, "No way, Up in the Air was stupid! How can you like that movie!" They aren't kicking you out, that's what's called having a conversation.

The surprising thing about girls is if they start to think you might be interesting, they will find a way to be alone with you. They won't find a way to be alone with a perfect stranger, but once you do the leg work and introduce yourself to her group of friends, you're no longer a stranger. That's why circle jerks create opportunity. You are one of the only guys at the party demonstrating enough social skills to talk to girls. And by not talking to any single girl in particular, you are not closing yourself off to the rest of the girls in he room. Yes, it's true; girls do take notice when you talk to many girls one-on-one, and if they notice you going from one to the next it reads as: "He's scamming on all the girls in the room in succession AND he's getting rejected multiple times. Not for me."

In conclusion, the key at any party where men are pulled into a circle jerk is to talk to multiple girls--in groups. There are a number of benefits I could illustrate here, including meeting far more available women, asserting yourself as a non-creeper, and not closing yourself off to the rest of ladyfolk by being a clumsy scammer. But seriously, think about it for a few minutes.