Holly's Dating Tips for Guys Part 5: Deconstructing "He's Just Not That Into You"

So there’s a self-help book out there—you might have heard of it—called He’s Just Not That Into You. Apparently—and this I didn’t know before reading its Wikipedia page—it was inspired by an episode of Sex and the City. In said episode, Miranda (honestly, I don’t know which character is which) asks Carrie’s boyfriend to interpret a date’s behavior. Miranda apparently invited a date up to her apartment and he declined, leading Carrie’s boyfriend to conclude: he’s just not that into you.

Ok, so basically, that scenario really sums up the entirety of the book it inspired so you don’t really have to read it. Not convinced? Really? Ok, here’s how that book goes: He’s not asking you out? He’s just not that into you. He’s not buying you flowers? He’s just not that into you. He’s not dropping his coat into a rain puddle for you? He’s just not that into you. He’s not clubbing his ex-girlfriends with a meat tenderizer for you? God, woman, he’s just not that into you.

No, for real, the table of contents really gives you everything you need to know about this book. I mean, it doesn’t get any more explicit than Chapter 8: “He’s Just Not that into You if He’s Breaking Up With You.” (No shit, really? This kind of advice sells? Hey, book agents, my card.) Anyway, I’m not really going to dump that much grief on this book, because though it seems utterly obvious from every angle, a lot of women can and do spend a lot of their lives scrutinizing male behavior for any tiny hint that an attractive guy might just be a little, teeny bit interested. This said, a male author makes millions telling women what brutally-honest best friends have been saying for millennia when he says, “Lady, he’s just not that into you.”

Oh, you weren’t aware of that, were you. Allow me to graph virtually every conversation I’ve repeatedly had with girlfriends of mine since the moment our teachers separated the boys from the girls and made us watch that video about our soon-to-arrive monthly friends:



Ok, obviously, this is grossly unfair to all women everywhere, but my assholish sarcasm here is meant only to illustrate how much of female-to-female socialization is centered around such scrutiny. I would even say I’m a bit bitter about how much of my life, as a female, is taken up by being involved in these incredibly circular conversations. And, sadly, you can’t just end it all by saying, “he’s just not that into you,” because, damn if that’s not so horrifically shattering.

The absolute, horrible truth is our culture, the last time I checked, still measures the worth of a woman against the men she can attract. Oh, I know I’ll get some comments about how “Oh god, you’re so off-base, I’m an independent woman and I don’t val—“ Look, I’mmaletyoufinish but if you’re that strong, more power to you and congratulations. Seriously. I mean women like you absolutely no disrespect and in every way I envy you. But having spent a good portion of my life living and working among some of the most high-power, top-of-their-field women who by every single god damn standard in life should feel powerful, influential, important and fuck it, fabulous will still feel far too often that they are ignorable, marginal and flat-out worthless because they happen to also be single. Usually, if I think I’m making some kind of outlandish generalization, I’d be the first to call myself on it, but I can say with firm authority that this is far more common a phenomenon among young women than we’re allowed to admit out loud, lest we be labeled desperate or bitter as well.

And we’re up against a lot in fighting these feelings. I can’t tell you how many messages we receive on a daily basis telling us how flawed we are without Revlon, how naked we are without Banana Republic, how pitiful we are if we aren’t a size 4 and yes, how incredibly messed up we must be if we’re still single.

Anyway, it’s not really that surprising that the followup question any logical woman might have to “he’s just not that into you” is “Why not?!” Ah, the rub. If you’re to believe the authors of He’s Just Not That Into You, the reason is simple—he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Ah, you thought there was deeper insight in a self-help book directed towards women? Ha! No, they very directly say, over and over again, the primary reason a guy wouldn’t be into you is because he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. He’s not flirting with you? You’re ugly. He’s not asking you out? You’re ugly. And god, what’s the point of living, after all, Ms. JD/PHD/PhiBetaKappa/RhodesScholar/Forbes500/AcademyAwardWinner, if men think you unattractive? Isn’t the whole measure of a woman equivalent to the men she can attract?

So it’s not surprising that most consumer products targeted towards women in their mid-to-late twenties are advertised to us with images of smiling couples, as if to say, “Hey ugly, use our product, and you just might wind up with a boyfriend.” (Pick up a copy of Maxim or Esquire and compare its ads to those in a copy of Glamour if you don’t believe me.)

And if you don’t think women internalize this message as truth, that single women are something to be marginalized and condescended to, ask your coupled-up female friends how many single friends they still hang out with after they’re committed.

So a book like He’s Just Not That Into You is (if I evaluate it far more generously than it deserves) an attempt to stop this kind of circular, self-critical behavior by putting the agency of selection entirely on the shoulders of men. It’s saying to women, “Hey, look, don’t beat yourself up over it—he’s just not that into you—get over it.”

Like The Rules (the self-help book du jour that came before it), He’s Just Not That Into You reinforces an idea that most people suspect, but our politically correct dialogue obscures: men choose, women decide.

What do I mean by this? Though if you survey them, most guys say they would love to be asked out by a girl, generally it's only wishful thinking because by girl, they only mean Megan Fox. Most guys I know would be freaked out if an average-looking girl approached them on the subway and started flirting with them. Oh, for sure, their ego would be stroked and they might awkwardly trip and fall into a date out of sheer shellshock, but it’s definitely not an event most men actually anticipate in their realm of normal day-to-day existence. Nevertheless, this is exactly the expectation that girls are set up to have—if you’re not getting asked out by at least average-looking guys, they’re just not that into you because, obviously, you’re ugly.

Oh man, when you actually spell it out like that, it’s really depressing, isn’t it? Now ask all your guy friends how many girls they *actually* have asked out in real life. Oh man, what? They never ask girls out on the subway? They don’t approach girls reading in the park? They don’t do the fucking cute meet thing in every romantic comedy ever, run into a girl carrying a bunch of stuff and lock eyes as you stumble around picking up her dropped belongings?! What?! No! You’re kidding me. You mean all these girls go around thinking they’re ugly as sin and it’s all your fault?

Yeah, I realize I’m a rambler and it takes me about four days to get to my point, but here it is: girls are taught from puberty onward to feel like shit because of your inaction. They expend considerable energy shoring each other up just to get knocked down again. Every time we go out into the daylight sun and are not approached by men, we return to our empty holes in the ground (because we’re obviously trolls) and read self-help guides, watch romantic comedies and flip though magazines all telling us the same thing: if you’re not beating men off with a stick, you’re obviously flawed.

It’s a horrible way to live, honestly.

Now, what this is entirely missing is a male point of view explaining the mechanisms for why decent young men don’t approach women more frequently. I don’t pretend to know why they don’t, but I know enough single young men to know that they don’t. There are insecurities on both sides and having some fucking common sense, I won’t even entertain that lack of sexual attraction argued in He’s Just Not That Into You entirely explains why so few men are making advances. The problem I have is with how profitable it is a venture to make women feel bad about a phenomenon that doesn’t actually occur too frequently out in the wild.

And here’s the paradox. The girls who are most susceptible to these feelings and these messages are those who are actively trying to be seen as “good girls.” They have it built up in their minds that good girls attract prince charmings. They won’t dare be accused of demonstrating the kinds of behaviors that would attract copious amounts of male attention in public—because it’s been internalized that that’s deviant social behavior. In Boston, the city I live in, and in New York, it’s generally abnormal for women to make eye contact with men and smile at them in public. Now, obviously there are some girls here who smile and lock eyes with every guy they come across. Guess which one is going to receive more positive male attention? I know, it’s shocking; men prefer not be rejected, and the girl staring at her feet on the subway is less of a sure bet than smiley over there. Problem being? The girl staring at her feet thinks she’s being a good girl. (Remember Dating Tips #4? “It’s not ladylike to stare at strangers!”) And so it goes.

So the problem isn’t solved by “Hey men, man up and ask her out.” Just like women, guys are scrutinizing female behavior for signs of interest. Unfortunately, a lot of women are socialized to *never* show sexual interest in men in public and on this basis, a lot of men are being outwitted by this same system telling women how to behave and how to think about themselves. HJNTIY obscures this problem on the female side of the equation, by saying quite succinctly, any guy not asking you out thinks you’re unfuckable. Men, on their side, are so paralyzed by the fear of rejection, they only flirt with the girls who seem the flirtiest and actually set themselves up for rejection (because by demonstrating what is perceived by men to be flirtatious behavior indiscriminately, she’s going to have her pick). And like two ships passing in the night, men and women are completely misreading each other and both going home to empty holes in the ground. I’m not exactly sure what the male equivalent to Bridget Jones is, but I’m sure I don’t want to know.