Pages from Sexually Switzerland

Brandi Brown sends in a recommendation of a book which basically instructs us all on how to not write a personals ad. Pages from Sexually Switzerland by David Rose basically just lists all the most ridiculous ads in The London Review of Books, organized by theme. Based on what I read so far [pdf], it sounds like a must-read for me (and you, if you're enjoying this series).

• Why waste time in the bath? M, 45, with secret to natural, water-free cleanliness—psychic showering, bathe in your own karma (patent pending). Seeks woman to 50 for invigorating wash-down in the fountain of the mind. Must be prepared to lose friends and never be allowed in restaurants again. Box no. 0217.

• Tall, handsome, well-built, articulate, intelligent, sensitive, yet often grossly inaccurate man, 21. Cynics (and some cheap Brentwood psychiatrists) may say ‘pathological liar’, but I like to use ‘creative with reality’. Join me in my 36-bedroomed mansion on my Gloucestershire estate, set in 400 acres of wild-stag populated woodland. East Ham.12 Box no. 0620.

• Drooling, toothless sociopath (M, 57) seeks F any age to help make this abandoned gas station kiosk feel more like home. Must bring shoes (size 10). Box no. 5310.

• Meet the new face of indoor bowling! More or less the same as the old face, but less facial hair and better teeth. M, 28. Box no. 3377.

• Nothing says ‘I love you’ in a more sincere way than being woken with champagne and pastries and roses. Apart from a dog with peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. Write, we’ll meet, sleep together and—in the morning, just before my friend’s wife tells me to get off their sofa and get out of their house—I’ll show you Winston’s trick. It’s hilarious. You’ll have to bring the peanut butter though—they’ve put locks on all the kitchen cupboards. Man, 26. Box no. 6433.