Holly’s Dating Tips for Guys Part 10: Social Invisibility and all of its Manifestations

One of the biggest complaints in modern times is “I don’t know where to meet people.” I’m guilty of this one myself, ever since I wandered under the Misty Mountains one day and now only venture out into the daylight in pursuit of that hairy little bastard who stole my ring. But this is something I’ve been looking forward to dissecting because my thoughts on this problem are more sociological than anything else I’ve thrown at you before. And as such, here’s the best part of today’s blog entry: it’s not (entirely) your fault if you’re finding it impossible to meet anyone (be they friends or lovers). But here’s the worst part: there’s probably not much you can do about the situation you’re not already doing.

Way back in college when I was but a wee baby, I wrote a paper on the decline of public space and the social criticism implied by New Urbanism. I remember it fondly since unlike a paper, it was actually an entry for my political sociology class blog. Now, I’m fortunate to have gone to one of those tiny colleges where class discussion was a spectator sport and I was anticipating some pretty informed commentary on the subject. Unfortunately for all of us, most of the comments were of the hopeless variety: “Damn, this is really depressing. What should we do about it?”

So why do I think this is important to make significant to my audience of twenty-somethings? Let’s start off with a fact: public space is increasingly and counter-intuitively privately owned. Let me explain. Recall all the places you go during the course of the week when you’re not at home or at work. How many of those places are spaces not specifically designed for consumption? Your life since college, I’ll wager, has become defined by your consumptive power. The result of which has led urban planners everywhere to rightfully complain constantly that we as a consuming public really suck at creating public spaces which would foster both civic and social engagement.

Sociologically, what I imagine this has done over time is erode opportunities where we can be seen by others as a public person. What does this mean? Well, when you walk into a store or a coffee shop, you are not seeing other people because what you are seeing are other consumers. People could have thousands of different motivations being where they are at any given time. Consumers, however, are defined as such because their presence in that space is motivated solely by consumption. So naturally, you presume that they did not walk into this joint to be bothered by other consumers. Consumption is an interaction between the consumer and the retailer. The retailer rarely invests in overhead to provide a place for social interaction unrelated to consumption of their product.

So what has resulted from this increased privatization of space is what I’d call a norm of social invisibility—where we literally try to pretend that we can’t see or be seen in public. And woe to he who tries to break this norm because we are all guilty of enforcing this one. Who can’t recall a time when you felt unduly burdened by a stranger trying to engage you in a conversation when all you wanted to do was get a cup of coffee? Yeah, it’s that pervasive. We all suck.

You’re probably asking why life isn’t more like college, where making friends was comparatively easier. The answer is because colleges are what we sociologists refer to as total institutions, where all aspects of your life are catered to by the institution itself—eating, sleeping, socializing and whatever meaningful purpose has brought you all to union (presumably education). And because everyone assumes individuals are attending your college to meet these varied needs, it’s far easier to approach strangers knowing 1) your interests and motivations are likely similar and 2) it’s encouraged and expected by the institution. From an organizational standpoint, the college's motivation is just to persist and, for a few, get ahead in the almighty Newsweek rankings. Many colleges "bank" on you forming an emotional attachment to your alma mater based largely on the relationships you formed in college and reflecting on these friendships, you will continue to support the institution for the rest of your life. However, now, most of our life outside of college is being spent in spaces supplied by corporate entities and geared primarily towards a specific, antisocial purpose: profit. This is what makes “real life” so much harder than college.

Now, I usually try to keep this blog clear of the kind of paranoid/conspiratorial ranting I inflict only upon loved ones, but this one’s important. There’s seemingly no escape from this kind of mindfuck since what we have here is basically an equal-opportunity buzzkill on everyone’s lives. And we as a consuming society have allowed this mentality to invade every speck of social life we have created for ourselves—you don’t bother other people at a beach because they are trying to consume the ocean. You don’t bother people at the park because they are trying to consume the green space. You don’t bother people on the subway because they are trying to consume their transportation. Yep, there is actually very little time in your life anymore where you can talk to a stranger without feeling like you are encroaching upon their consumption. And personal technology in the form of iPods and netbooks is making it easier and easier to make sure we never have to so much look at a stranger when we’re out in public ever again. From where I sit, this is one of the greatest tragedies of modernity and the stuff of futurist dystopian novels. Catch me with a good beer some time and I could go on and on about this until I pass out from lack of oxygen, but the bottom line here is that it’s also killing your mojo.








Right now, there’s an AT&T commercial airing on TV constantly. You’ve probably seen it. A man is standing across the tracks staring at a woman seated inside a train. In a moment, his whole future with this woman flashes before his eyes from backwards to forwards, from his son’s inauguration as President to his wedding to his first date sharing a bucket of popcorn at the movies. Quickly, he pounces on his smartphone to change his tickets and races to board her train, slumping into the seat across from her. And she smiles knowingly from across the aisle.

Yeah.

Ok.

Whenever my brother and I see this, we call it that “creeper commercial,” because we imagine how in real life, this would play out entirely differently if a guy tried to pull this kind of stunt. First, the woman would not be smiling knowingly because she’d be wide-eyed and scared as shit the second she starts seeing this guy sprint towards her train. Secondly, she wouldn’t be there anymore because she’d have gathered all her things and checked into the next car before he got there. Poor schmuck.

I know, what gives? And you’re probably thinking, “God, I wish women weren’t so prude! She should have given him a chance!” Yeah, ok, except we all need to realize that the social acceptance of engaging strangers in even casual conversation is struggling to survive. It’s so rare anymore that it’s unnatural and off-putting. This is why we wear earbuds on the sidewalk. This is why we young ones are rushing to the self-check-out lines at the grocery stores to avoid making small talk with cashiers or—God forbid—the person behind us. This is why all mothers view any man over the age of 16 who approaches her young children as a potential pedophile. And ultimately, this is why normal women spurn most of the advances of even the most well-meaning men. Social relations of all kinds are strained and we are failing as a social species. Dating and courtship, I’m afraid, are just victims of a much greater social disaster.

But it gets a little complicated when we talk about how you can approach women, because I know some guy out there is going to say, “Hey, that’s not true—I approached a woman once in public and she shot me down.” Let me stress there are two kinds of women and based on the odds I’m going to guess you’re in the camp of guys who continually approach the first kind. On one hand, there are the really, really beautiful women making up approximately 10% of the female population who can anticipate being approached by men multiple times a day and then there are the 90% who can anticipate being approached by men in a serious, non-alcohol-related manner maybe once or twice a calendar season. (Seriously. Ask your friends.)

Indulge me while I refuse to empathize with the hopelessly beautiful and explain what happens when a “normal” girl is approached: she just can’t take it seriously. She watches equally “normal” men trashtalk virtually perfect women such as Megan Fox for having thumb-toes and hit on her super-attractive peers like gnats on a bug-zapper while she’s lucky enough to swat away the random barfly. From this, she has internalized an idea at this point that she’s not terribly attractive and is crazily suspicious of the motives of any guy who would approach her on the basis of her looks alone (because, like I said, she doesn’t think she’s terribly attractive). And though a lot of men interpret her icy demeanor as arrogance or disgust, the emotional undercurrent in this situation is insecurity. Given the infrequency that even objectively very pretty girls are ever approached in public by anyone and the ulterior motives of men who do far too much approaching in public, she’s got her walls up 24/7 and they’re getting thicker and thicker every year. And so it goes, the line that has been dividing us since grade school lives on to see another day.

So back to this AT&T commercial. It’s a cute commercial, don’t get me wrong. It’s what little girls grow up hoping for, but those hopes are dashed by the time they’re my age and stand on subway platforms and in coffee shops day after day watching all the sane-looking men stare down at their iPhones. Today, it’s virtually impossible to make friends outside of our institutional playpens let alone meet Prince Charming. And I’d argue we’ve all now developed a mentality that everyone we meet would rather not be disturbed in their bubbles of social invisibility, guarded heavily by our electronic fences in the forms of Kindles and Blackberries.

What’s the solution? Honestly, I’m not terribly optimistic that this is going to change. We’ve developed a mass-consumer mentality and are now increasingly seeing each other as consumable objects—numbers on a Facebook page, followers on twitter, and too often, “single serving friends” who can be unloaded when the mutual demands of friendship become too inconvenient. You can count me among those ironic individuals now preaching on a virtual corner that my generation is losing its ability to make relationships work, despite the thousands of ways the internet is supposedly keeping our social networks tighter than ever.

If my problem is with modernity, then my solution is obviously archaic. It’s probably going to take something as stupid as a cheap metal pin you can stick on your shirt that says: “Hey, I’m Friendly! Talk to me!” Seriously. Of course, this wouldn’t work without a crazy ironic internet meme campaign to make people understand what it is. But you understand my point, right? That you literally need an invitation to feel comfortable approaching a stranger for friendly social exchange, even if all you want to do is pay them a compliment?

My best advice for this is to ignore this feeling. Yes, prepare yourself for a lot of rejection but rest assured that it's typically not personal. If you approach a girl at a coffee shop and ask her how she's enjoying that book she's reading, she may dump a one-word response on you--or maybe she won't. I don't recommend complimenting her appearance in any way, but neutral hooks are perfectly acceptable. If you're sitting next to each other on the subway you could probably break the ice pretty well by saying, "Isn't it weird how no one ever, ever talks to each other on the subway?" Again, she might be super uncomfortable in you breaking her bubble, or she may be game for what at worst could be a ten minute conversation about diverted gazes. All that you have to keep in mind is what I've stated before: this norm of social invisibility is a societal problem and as such, you can't blame yourself when others (even females) abide by it. Nevertheless, the potential payoff makes it always worth breaking.